He said that he loved me but that was his brother they grew ip together. Are my stepsisters feelings and actions justified? Practice assertiveness when it comes to communication; communicate Using I statements. Try to be patient and understanding while he goes through the process of distancing himself from his family a bit more, as this will probably take a while. Do not build resentment over this. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. Answer. Basically, if your husband is showing you that youre not top priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in yours. I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. Trust me, youll feel instantly better when you open up to him. But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere? When their sons arent around them, they dont know what to do and they feel like they need them all day every day. Men, generally, promise to be there for their wives, to never leave them alone, to be their protector, and what not. I daily think of leaving him as I feel low of my self. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. They think of them as children and as such create an unhealthy mother-son relationship. His and your family will always be part of your marriage. He is unable to show his feelings and cannot really muster enough courage to say no to his parents. I am raising money for my asylee friends family! Has your husband been constantly visiting his cousin in the hospital after work because she is recovering from an accident? Family issues are always tricky. This is one of the many reasons why communication is so vital in all relationships. A person who comes from a very large, close-knit Asian family may have a very different dynamic from someone who was raised in a small, reserved Scandinavian family instead. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. I am pregnant now. He was treating me as his maid. Happy Marriage is Just a Myth Watch on To get yourself heard, understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. And most importantly, he needs to stand by you, support you, and defend you if youre being mistreated. He grew up with them, so things cant change overnight. The family youre creating together has to take precedence over the one he had before. Its fine for him to enjoy spending time with his family most of us do but its important for him to also enjoy spending time with you, alone or with your children, doing things that couples and families do together. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. Fighting wont resolve the issue at hand, ever! Have an honest and open conversation with your husband, 3. Or, give them two options for something, but make them options where you would be happy with either say, the feature wallpaper for your spare room. While this is the natural inclination, sometimes it tends to make matters worse, especially with men. Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. . And Im not one to judge this is a great thing. He may simply seek to keep the peace, either by doing and saying nothing or by siding with his family in the hope that he can smooth things out with you later. Instead of arguing, try to be a team player with your husband. Work together to find a solution for this particular problem. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out before its too late. So most often what happens is the husband keeps fulfilling the financial and psychological needs of his family and the wife and his own children are often asked to compromise. One excuse thats commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is theyve been family to me longer than weve been a couple.. In this situation, you have to compromise. Take a class that youve always wanted to delve into. Even more so when and if your husband sides with them rather than you, and expects you to go along with things to keep the peace. Ive lost my self confidence. Your feelings havent been a priority to him for a long time and that has to change now. It can seem that your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his family than with you. That way your husband does not get to choose his family over you. So he would hover around the kitchen or give his wife a foot rub to ease the stress but he wouldnt be able to take that step to join his wife in the kitchen. As his wife, you could have been devastated by this decision but your husband chooses his family over you and tells you, looking after his family is his duty and you have to accept that since you are married to him. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. Hell just continue choosing his family over you. For instance, say I feel hurt when you do not hear me, or give my opinions any preference rather than saying YOU never listen to me. This is something that may require the two of you to go to therapy together. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? Lets get this straight. This is a rather difficult one to recognize unless you directly ask him. So its time to act as such. So dont give up on him immediately. When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. Neither you nor any of his relatives can have an influence on his decisions. Whether she is a virgin or a previously married woman, her consent must be obtained before her father or guardian can act on her behalf in any marriage contract. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. And your husband ends up giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to seeing in his family. And to combat any resentment, you can actively ask their opinions on some smaller, less important decisions and then agree with what they say things like what hymns to have at your childs christening. Because its roots lie deep and it requires a lot of patience and understanding from your side. But that I think we need counseling. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. My family was always in our married life, new every argument we had and everything my husband did to me or said. Thats no way to have a healthy marriage. He shouldnt take their side or favor their view simply because hes afraid of standing up to them. But the final word has to be yours and his alone. Here youll find some tips that could help you deal with this issue. If your husband isnt willing to support you and stand up for you while youre being disrespected by his parents, siblings, or extended family members, then you need to ask yourself whether youre okay facing that kind of abuse forever. Indeed, a righteous Muslim follows the guidance and moral conduct of the Prophet so he should be neither severe nor harsh. One situation that a lot of couples contend with is when the husbands parent(s) try to exert or maintain dominance without respecting their adult son and his partner. Speaking badly about his family or his character will only make the situation worse. So, next time he chooses to spend a bit more time with his father than with you and chooses to go golfing with him, chances are hes doing it because he wants to satisfy his father and keep the peace between you. And you may go along with that because hey, theyre helping you buy your first house together, and thats really nice of them. Dont assume that your husband agrees with you on something. You have dont nothing wrong. How do I tell my parents I want to marry someone else? Show him that you know how he feels. Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. Dont taunt him for being a mamas boy. How to deal with disrespectful or toxic in-laws. The smart wife is the one who is keen for her husband to develop a strong relationship with his own family and for there to be friendship and love between them. That way, he wont be offended when you bring up the issue. So, my husband chooses his family over me. Professional help might be required to shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood. Lets take a look at 3 of the most common scenarios where a husband might put his family before his partner, and how you can deal with each of them. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. Think Aloud is a destination where youll find stories about every step you, as a woman, take. Compromising with your partner is a must if you want to have a successful marriage. What can I do if hes a mamas boy? This kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you are trying to build together. Suddenly, it dawns on him that hell spend less time with his family and more with you. Tell him that you had the same issue, that you had a hard time focusing on your marriage and choosing him over your parents. You want your husband to remember that you play a significant role in his life, but you cant go out of your way every single time for them because he has a family on his own now. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. This person chose you for a reason, and took vows in front of others to stand by you, love you, honor you, support and cherish you. Sometimes youll feel as if he has no other option but to choose them over you. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. Thats impossible. However, it is also important to understand that it can be extremely frustrating to get your husband to change immediately. What ever he buys for me even if its v small he tells his mother and his mother makes sure to ask for the same for her self and her daughter. By clicking Accept, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. He may not have even questioned it. You two are a united team in a world that can be incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate. On the other hand, we do not understand the relationship between a person following the Hanafi School of jurisprudence and mistreating him; as there is nothing wrong in following a given School of jurisprudence so that one would mistreat the person who follows it. You cant force him to change. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. You will be hurt and you will show it to your husband in the form of some emotional reaction. If i tell him of my plans he will tell hismother and he changes his mind. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. That is the reason you got married. His daily routine changes and hes confused since his priority list has changed drastically. Only then it is possible that you can help him see your perspective on things. More time with his family than with you marital bond that he me... Of arguing, try to be yours and his alone him see your husband to change.! Be neither severe nor harsh to go to therapy together roots lie deep and it requires a of! They grew ip together with you to stand by you, your son or future! 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